Dear Mr Harrison,
Thank you very much for your letter bringing our attention to your faulty BIC pen. We produce 1.7 billion BIC pens in different varieties every year so unfortunately we cannot test each and every one.
Having spoken to our team of engineers, we cannot ascertain why one of the medium point BIC crystal ball point pens that you perchased “only draws massive cocks”. We have never heard of this occuring previously and we couldn’t recreate this anomaly so we can only assume that this pen was temoporarily possessed and we willdrop it off at a local church for exorcism.
Hopefully it won’t accidentally end up next to the marriage register.
We are sorry to hear that this pen ruined your Grandmother’s Birthday card and that you must now sign for credit card purchases by “penning an enormous phallus”. Luckily, Chip and Pin is prevalent throughout the UK.
As an apology, I have enclosed 5x fine point BIC orange stick pens for your usage. I have personally tested each one for erroneous genitalia production and these seem to be OK.
Yes, the pen lids are very good for scratching your ears and blowing through the lids is a great way to annoy people. No, we have never received any reports of our orange BIC disposable razors shaving penises into things